Chili

I don't have much to say today. However I thought I would share something funny:

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.

They have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a

major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was

visiting Texas from the East Coast.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili

cook-off. Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be

standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser

truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native

Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all the spicy and, besides, they told me

I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)

Judge #1- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge #3 - (Frank) Holy Shit, what the Hell is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames

out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili #2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)

Judge #1- Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge #3 - Keep this out of reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to

give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw

the look on my face.

Chili #3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)

Judge #1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge #2 - A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge #3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels

like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me

more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone

is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

Chili #4 (Bubba's Black Magic)

Judge #1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge #2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish

or other foods, not much of a chili.

Judge #3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable

to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was

standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB barmaid is starting to

look HOT! Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili #5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)

Judge #1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,

adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge #2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must

admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge #3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and

I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed

paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili

had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring

beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?

It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!!

Chili #6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)

Judge #1 - Thick, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of

spices and peppers.

Judge #2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and

garlic. Superb.

Judge #3 - I Shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat

through the chair. No on seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut

Sally. She must be crazier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I

need to wipe my Ass with a snow cone.

Chili #7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)

Judge #1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned

peppers.

Judge #2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

chili pepper at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about

Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing

uncontrollably.

Judge #3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid

unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like Shit to match my

shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've

decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any

oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole

in my stomach.

Chili #8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)

Judge #1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too

bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge #2 - This final entry is good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor

hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell

over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's

going to make it.

Poor guy, wonder how he'd react to really hot chili?