When Opportunity Knocks

I know that I’m a bad person. Sometimes I really try to do the right thing but certain opportunities present themselves and they need to be exploited.

Today I was on a mini road trip with some friends. We had stopped at Wal-Mart to pick up a few things.

I was standing there in the pet section when the heavens opened. I could hear angels singing. Sparkling silver glitter was falling from above and I could see a rainbow. There, right in front of me was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen; more magnificent that Kate Upton riding topless on a winged unicorn. Never in all my life could I have imagined something so awesome. There in front of me was a can of dog food that looked just like people food.

This can of dog food looked just like some chunky stew one might buy at the grocery store. The picture had big juicy chunks of beef with peas and carrots. I had to pick it up and take a closer look. The only place that dog food was mentioned was in small print on the back.

There are times in my life when I wonder what I did to deserve something so wonderful, times such as these. It was clear to me know what I had to do. There was only one thing I could do. I had to buy 3 cans of this dog food and put it in the food cupboard at work.

I know that I will likely miss the moment someone microwaves what looks to be the most delicious beef stew, but it still makes me giggle inside.

Jet-Puff Girl

There are still so many things in life that I have not done. I am slowly but surely checking them off my list.

Haunted Past

My past tends to haunt me more than I would like sometimes. Today in a bizarre twist I was reminded of a girl I met many years ago. I saw someone on the news that looked familiar but thought nothing of it. A minute later a got a text message from friend who had seen the same thing. He said “… isn't that the chick you hooked up with when you took that crazy week of work?”

That’s when it hit me. Such a memorable event in my life had happened and when I saw this girl it didn't spark much more than familiarity. Am I losing grip on my reality? Have I had so many “significant” moments in my life that their importance has been diluted?

Sometimes I over analyze everything.

I met this girl and her friend one night when I was working the front door of a nightclub. The club was busy and I was flirting with girls in line. I had then let in a group of girls I was flirting with when this girl (we can call her Coco) grabbed my arm, pulled me close and whispered into my ear “I am way more fun than any of those girls. Why don’t you let me and my friend in and we will show you how much fun we can be.” She then licked my ear. Of course the only reasonable response was to let them in.

At the end of the night I found Coco and her friend inside the club. We chatted for a bit. They were from back east and only visiting for a week. Coco asked if I would show them around town.

The following night I took Coco and her friend out on the town and we hit up four or five clubs and proceeded to drink ourselves stupid. At the end of the night I called a limo to take the girls back to their hotel. The limo came and Coco and her friend got in. I went to close the door and Coco said “ Aren't you coming too? I promised we were fun but we haven’t done anything fun yet.”

We got back to their hotel and ordered some champagne. They had one of the nicest hotel rooms I have ever been in. The champagne arrived and Coco took the first bottle, shook it and opened it. Champagne sprayed everywhere. She but her thumb over the opening and shook it some more completely soaking her friend. It was at this point that I knew I would not be going into work for the rest of the week.

I spent the better part of the next several days either in the hotel room or at a nightclub or afterhours club. The whole week had blurred together. I couldn't tell if I was still drunk but was sure I was as we had not stopped drinking other than to sleep; although there wasn't much sleeping.

This had become a week of pure legendary debauchery of which I was more than willing to partake. It was a week that I would often come to want to relive. Two hot girls from the other side of the country here to have “fun” and I had them all to myself.

Thinking back to the news I had been watching it occurred to me that I never even got to know them as people. Cliché? I know. I guess that was never the intention. However it will now also be one of those moments I will reflect on for the rest of my life. I suddenly wanted to know more about Coco. We had an amazing time but in reality it was hollow and meant nothing more than having some fun.

This had become another moment that was too late. It was too late to get to know Coco and I would never have the chance. She was on the news because she was dead.

Chili

I don't have much to say today. However I thought I would share something funny:

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.

They have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a

major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was

visiting Texas from the East Coast.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili

cook-off. Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be

standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser

truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native

Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all the spicy and, besides, they told me

I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)

Judge #1- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge #3 - (Frank) Holy Shit, what the Hell is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames

out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili #2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)

Judge #1- Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge #3 - Keep this out of reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to

give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw

the look on my face.

Chili #3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)

Judge #1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge #2 - A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge #3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels

like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me

more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone

is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

Chili #4 (Bubba's Black Magic)

Judge #1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge #2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish

or other foods, not much of a chili.

Judge #3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable

to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was

standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB barmaid is starting to

look HOT! Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili #5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)

Judge #1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,

adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge #2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must

admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge #3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and

I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed

paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili

had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring

beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?

It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!!

Chili #6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)

Judge #1 - Thick, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of

spices and peppers.

Judge #2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and

garlic. Superb.

Judge #3 - I Shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat

through the chair. No on seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut

Sally. She must be crazier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I

need to wipe my Ass with a snow cone.

Chili #7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)

Judge #1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned

peppers.

Judge #2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

chili pepper at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about

Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing

uncontrollably.

Judge #3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid

unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like Shit to match my

shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've

decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any

oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole

in my stomach.

Chili #8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)

Judge #1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too

bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge #2 - This final entry is good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor

hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell

over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's

going to make it.

Poor guy, wonder how he'd react to really hot chili?

The morning after spending 10 hours in a bar.

Dear diary, today I almost threw up all over my laptop. With the grace of God I managed to hold it together but the sudden jerks of dry heaving almost caused me to shit my pants. I have been unable to use spoken word to communicate instead I have just grunted at people. I dropped an F-bomb because the only clean stall in the washroom was occupied by my boss. This was heard by all in the office.

The thought of slitting my wrists seemed promising but the site of losing all my blood may make me vomit, and I just don't want to go out like that.

I can still taste vomit in the back of my mouth and this is just not helping the situation. People insist on talking to me. It has occurred to me that most people have no idea that they are actually having a really good day. At any moment, without warning, I could spew chunks.

I am confident that one of these people has poisoned me.

I just hung up the phone on someone as I thought I was going to be sick and I would rather them not hear my death throes.

For the love of God have mercy on my soul. I’m not sure what happened or how I got there but I was on all fours in my office, back arched, head over my garbage can and dry heaving like a cat with a fur ball.

I may have just shit myself. I am not entirely sure. I will check later.

There is no quiet and private place for me to hide. I need drugs. I want to die. It’s not even lunch yet.

Tomahawk

Tomahawk Steak! Don't be a pussy... that is all.

Facebook should be parent free.

One of the things I love most about my friends is how quickly they inform me that my father is using Facebook unsupervised. Of course they will like his posts and add comments prior to informing me.

Unfortunately for me my father believes he is funny. My father loves Facebook and posts without any discretion. I spend a large portion of my life un-tagging myself in his photos. I don’t even know where he finds half of these photos anyway. It is hard enough for me to keep a low profile and keep pictures of the internet, but having a parent put this shit up is the worst.

News flash father: my fiancé and I broke up 4 years ago. There is no need to tag her and me in photos anymore. She is no longer going to be your ``future daughter in-law``. Do you have any idea how often this comes up with women I try to date? We’ll be at dinner and they will ask if I’m seeing anyone. I’ll say no and then they will ask why I was tagged in a photo yesterday with my fiancé. FML

Parents should not be allowed to use Facebook especially if they were born over a half century ago. At first I was sure my dad had no idea of the irreparable damage he was doing to mY rep and social life; but now I’m thinking he might.

So it starts

This is not my first blog, but it may be my first time being truly honest about who I am and what I have done with my life.

I have had the luxury—or curse as it may be, I have never truly decided—of having lived in many places and having done many jobs. This coupled with an attitude that simply leaves no fucks to be given have made for some interesting life experiences.

Now with great certainty I can say that I was never taught the life skills required to handle most of the situations I find myself in. My parents were good people and raised me well and I’m sure that they could never have imagined the shenanigans I would get up to as a teenager and adult. I do firmly believe that all of one’s life experiences cut the path that makes us who we are.

We as humans have the ability to make choices and decisions about what we do. What I can’t understand is why most people make the decisions that make themselves so fucking boring?

Generally I attempt to live my life without regrets. Somehow I still feel that at some point I will look back at my life and wish I had done something different. I have tried to make the most of every situation and enjoy the people I have met and the places I have seen.

There are parts of my life that I look back on and realize that I have driven the equivalent of a freight train through people’s life. I have left canyon sized impact craters. I don’t’ think that people will forget me. For good or bad I hope that I have left my mark and changed people’s lives forever.

Undoubtedly I have done bad things, but I was living in the moment with the intent of adventure and excitement. I haven’t made apologies for the things I have done as they are what defines me as a person.

Yet still I think I am going to hell.