Deer Hunter

One of the many things that I now have to contend with after moving from a big city to a little Podunk town in the middle of nowhere is the wildlife. For some god forsaken reason I seem to attract wildlife. If you want to see bears and cougars (not the hot-pink lipstick wearing kind) and other types of man eating wildlife then come hiking with me.

Now over the past few months I have been having my house renovated. This usually occurs while I am at my unfulfilling, soul killing job. On one such day I came home a little early and the guys were still working. So I decided to run to the store and pick up a few items.

Upon returning home I noticed my door was slightly ajar. Par for the course I figured, considering that a weekend job has now been ongoing for 5 weeks. I couldn't really expect them to lock up my house when they left. Fucking contractors!

I walked in and went upstairs to the kitchen with my groceries. I got to the fridge when everything went into slow motion. My brain started working over time trying to process what my eyes had just seen. I dropped my groceries and took a few steps backwards and looked into the living room. There standing in the middle of my living room is a fucking deer.

Now again, this is one of those situations that apparently nobody ever anticipated I would need the life skills to deal with—thanks Mom and Dad. You know how they say “Oh it was probably more scared of you than you were of it.” God damn liars! People who say shit like that have never had a deer in their living room. This was a female deer and a good size one at that. I had no idea what I was going to do. My initial fear was that I would spook it and it would machine gun little deer turds all over my house. This fear evolved all too quickly when this thing started to eye-fuck the shit out of me.

I had to act quickly before I became this deer’s unwilling mate. Quickly I devised a plan to usher the deer downstairs and out the door. I ran down and opened both the front and back door. I ran back upstairs; I used chairs to block off the hallway heading to the bedrooms. I grabbed a broom and started to walk towards the deer in an attempt to get the deer to move and run down stairs. The thing wouldn't move and just kept looking at me with those big brown eyes. This is when I knew this was a life or deer rape situation.

As I got close to the deer I smacked it on the ass with the broom I was holding. The thing tried to take off and ended up looking like a cartoon character running on the spot with legs going everywhere; A classic Jerry Lewis. I thought the deer was going to take down my new flat screen TV. After the deer finished doing the Jerry Lewis on my hardwood floor, it took off through the kitchen and into my office.

This has now created a whole new problem as I could no longer get behind or beside the deer to try and get it to move. I started throwing things behind the deer trying to startle it. Perhaps not my wisest decision as I was standing directly in front of it in order to be able to do this. I hit the deer with a stapler and it leaped forward with its head down, rammed me, and ran out of the office.

I picked myself up of the ground and decided I would deal with my freshly soiled underwear later. The deer had run back through the kitchen, down the hall, down the stairs and out the back door. As ran outside to see where it had gone I was startled to see that the deer was a mere 10 feet from my door eating the grass and still staring me down with those big brown eyes. I may have won this battle but it is yet to be seen who will win the war.