House Rules

As Christmas is comping up soon and I will no undoubtedly be having another party. I am reminded that while most people send their friends invitations, I have to send rules. 

From past experience I have come to conclude that my friends are horrible human beings when they drink. To ensure the festivities are fun for everyone I have put together this short list of 51 house rules. 

House Rules:

1. No ASSHOLES!

2. Don’t be a dick… No DRINKING and DRIVING.

3. Don’t break my shit.

4. Clothing is optional (it is my option to decide who can remove their clothing).

5. Wine in a glass. If I have given you a drink in a red plastic cup it is because I know you and you can't be trusted with glass like the big kids. Now deal with you shame and drink your drink

6. If you are going to leave your shoes on make sure they are clean and won’t scratch my hardwood. Ladies, if you are wearing high heels, I like it when you keep your shoes on!

7. Kiss. Kiss everyone. Make new friends and have a good time.

8. Everyone is free to expose their anatomy.

9. Say “NO” to cockblocking.

10. Puke in the TOILET, then leave. Your body has had all the fun it can handle for the night.

11. No butt sex in the kitchen.

12. Don’t be a boring bitch.

13. Each shot of tequila will make everyone look 10% hotter. FACT!.

14. Poor decisions make great stories.

15. Don’t fuck on my couch.

16. If it is in my liquor cabinet and looks expensive and you don’t think you can afford to replace it, DON’T FUCKING OPEN IT!

17. If you don’t like someone then don’t talk to them. Grow the fuck up and deal with it.

18. Don’t do stupid shit if you don’t want someone to post it and tag you on Facebook.

19. If there is only you, a hot chick and me left at the party, that is your subtle hint to GET THE FUCK OUT! Don’t be that guy… please refer to rule number 9.

20. If you are a guy and you bring a date, then bring a single girl for the rest of us.

21. If you are a girl and you bring a date, then bring a single girl for the rest of us.

22. If someone is “too drunk” and decides to take of their clothes or make out with the “strange” guy, they made that choice when they decided to get “too” drunk. It’s not like we don’t know how we act when we get drunk. We’re not 16 anymore. Also please refer to rule number 9.

23. If the butter leaves the kitchen it shall not be returned to the kitchen.

24. If you pass out, bad things will happen to you. Do not expect an apology.

25. Don’t ask what is in the “jungle juice”. If you have to ask then it’s not for you. It WILL get you drunk as fuck. FACT!

26. Don’t touch the fucking music. If you don’t like this song just wait. A new one comes on in 3 minutes. I promise.

27. If you are bringing additional guests, let me know. I want to make sure there is enough alcohol.

28. If a toothbrush falls in the toilet it's automatically a shoe washer and the Host should be informed ASAP.

29. When borrowing my clothing there is definitely a RETURN policy. If you are a hot woman we can arrange another evening for you to come over and return said clothing.

30. Don’t whine, complain, groan etc… I don’t give a fuck and neither does anyone else.

31. No weed inside, grow up and do coke like an adult. Or just enjoy getting a little drunk and having a good time with friends.

32. Do not stop anyone from dancing. The appropriate response is to join them. NO FUCKING CONGA LINES!

33. Toast before shots

34. The stripper pole is not for guys. I don’t know why I always have to remind people of this.

35. If you touch it you eat it. Don’t be that person.

36. If you are fighting with your significant other, leave them at home or don’t come. Ain’t nobody got time for that shit.

37. Cameras are for chicks. Any men doing “selfies” will be kicked in the junk and asked to leave.

38. Don’t be the DD (Dull Dick aka Designated Driver). Make other plans to get home. If you can’t afford a cab, you can’t afford to be at my party.

39. In the event twister happens, it is always strip Twister rules. No exceptions.

40. If your GF wants to make out with another chick, it is your obligation to help it happen.

41. Dress like an adult not a tween or Justin Bieber. Costumes are also acceptable. French maid, Strawberry Shortcake, Slutty Nurse, Naughty Cop…. Get the picture?

42. Ladies, wear some sexy lingerie as there is always a good chance you will be taking your clothes off and granny panties aren’t going to cut it.

43. Just because I provide the booze doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t bring a bottle sometimes.

44. When in doubt kiss the girl. It may work out for you or the rest of us may get to watch your heart break. Either way it’s a win-win.

45. Hooter shooters. You are never too old.

46. If you are drunk and hurt yourself it is funny and that is why people are laughing at you. Shake it off and grab another drink.

47. If you can’t piss in the toilet without getting it everywhere then sit down. You are not a real man anyway.

48. If the cops come I am going to lie and say I don’t know any of you.

49. Making a strange woman a drink is not a bad idea. Help the host out and don’t let pretty ladies go thirsty.

50. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.

51. DON’T PISS OFF MY FUCKING BALCONY, IN MY CLOSET, OR IN THE GODDAMN ELEVATOR. I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN MOTHERFUCKER!