Hands Off! Pants On!

I was sitting here thinking about what I was going to do for Christmas and whether or not I was going to go home for a visit. I was looking for an old email and came across this chain between by friend Greg, his wife Leslie and I.

Perhaps some background; I had recently moved and was using their garage to store some of my items while I transition. Leslie is not really a woman to be trifled with. She has a black belt in judo and in general doesn't really take my guff.

Leslie`s sister is a model named Rosie. I am not allowed to date her. Apparently Leslie thinks she knows me or something. This still does not stop me from making inappropriate comments about her sister.

Below is the last half of an email chain regarding my visit to the D family for Christmas dinner.

From: Nick Alexander
Sent: December 17, 2008 8:22 AM
To: Greg D
Subject: RE: make it stop

I will tell you my solution to end all problems for mankind… well at least me. So for Xmas dinner Rosie will be there. I will bring Margaret. I know that Margaret is down so I will only need to talk Rosie into it. I have seen Rosie’s Facebook I don’t think it will be too hard. I will have the 2 of them making out before the stuffing is even on the table. Then comes part 2 of my plan… oh wait I don’t need to tell you. I’m sure you can figure out where it goes from here. Bow Chica wow wa!
 
 
Thank you,

Nick Alexander

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From: Greg D
Sent: December 17, 2008 8:24 AM
To: Leslie D; Nick Alexander
Subject: Fw: make it stop

I will let my wife comment on your plan.

Just remember that Nick and I are both at work, so choose your expletives carefully.

Thank you,

Greg D

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From: Leslie D
Sent: December 17, 2008 9:44 AM
To: Nick Alexander; Greg D
Subject: RE: make it stop

My solution for mankind:

Extradite all atheist heterosexual men over the age of 9 to Greenland. All diseased or religious men will be slaughtered to get them to heaven faster because they deserve it.  All diseased women and children will go to Africa to live out their lives in peace. Pay gay men to donate sperm to women who have passed a specified IQ test. Women who wish to bitch will be sent to Greenland to provide entertainment for the men.  Women rule the earth, peace is achieved, AIDS is cured, poverty ended and happiness for all. Commune living will once again thrive and women will have less work and more free time.  

But really, Nick is all talk; he doesn’t have the balls to initiate such an event.  He’s just so deprived that it’s the little head that’s doing all the thinking. Before coming to dinner he’d best spend some time in new west with the Dancers, Prancers, and Vixens so that he can clear the pressure on his head.  Foolish moves will result in dislocated shoulders and a restriction of blood and air to the brain. Or at the very least he’ll get clubbed with a frying pan Dinosaurs-style and forced to sleep in the garage.

Merry Christmas.

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From: Nick Alexander
Sent: December 17, 2008 9:27 AM
To: Leslie D; Greg D
Subject: RE: make it stop

Greg,

            That was not so much as a bus that you threw me under, more of an Alberta freight train. But thank you, I owe you one.

Leslie,

            Initiating such events is something I have had a little practice at. I’m not sure there is a lack of courage in that department. However if you could elaborate on what moves may and/or shall be deemed as “foolish” it would be greatly appreciated. It has occurred to me that we may have a difference of opinion as to what is deemed as “foolish”. Is there perhaps a middle ground where I would only be clubbed with a frying pan Dinosaurs-style? I believe that I could live with that as it would be for the better good of the cause. Thank you for you time concerning this matter.

Thank you,

Nick Alexander

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From: Leslie D
Sent: December 17, 2008 10:39 AM
To: Nick Alexander; Greg
Subject: RE: make it stop

If it gets stiff, you’re in hot water. Plain and simple

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From: Nick Alexander
Sent: December 17, 2008 9:52 AM
To: Leslie D; Greg D
Subject: RE: make it stop

Wow this is really a catch 22 situation here. I guess I will have to settle for just sitting next to Rosie then. But I hear it’s bad luck to interfere with the magic of Christmas.

Thank you,

Nick Alexander

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From: Leslie D
Sent: December 17, 2008 11:20 AM
To: Nick Alexander; Greg D
Subject: RE: make it stop

Dear Sir,

In regards to the large quantity of goods that you have yet to reclaim from our facility and the money outstanding on your account I would suggest that you refrain from soliciting your services within our company.  Failure to comply will result in liquidation of your goods and irreversible damage to your reproductive organs.

In order to reclaim your goods, participate in the turkey consumption event, and leave with your reproductive organs intact, I’d suggest you stick to the following guidelines: “Hands off, pants on”.

There will be compliance officers present at the event to ensure the enjoyment and safety for all of our guests.  Upon completion of the event, your prompt payment and removal of goods is highly recommended.

Thank you,

Leslie D

CEO D Family Homestead Inc.

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From: Nick Alexander
Sent: December 17, 2008 10:38 AM
To: Leslie D
Subject: RE: make it stop

I will be on my BEST behavior… promise.

Thank you,

Nick Alexander

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From: Leslie D
Sent: December 17, 2008 11:31 AM
To: Nick Alexander; Greg D
Subject: RE: make it stop

I am glad to see that you have reconsidered our offer. I look forward to our appointment on December 25.  If you have any other concerns regarding your conduct, expectations, or scheduling, please speak with one of the enforcement officers onsite upon arrival.

Wishing you a pleasant holiday season,

Leslie D

Game over??

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